Funny Quotes

Welcome to Best Funny Quotes, your online source for the Funniest Quotes online. Here you will find Cool Funny Quotes, Short Funny Quotes and different categories of funny quotes like Funny Birthday Quote, Funny Divorce Quotes, Funny Wedding Quotes, Funny Women Quotes, Funny Love Quotes, Funny Christmas Quotes and Lots more.

Some Short Funny Quotes for you:

" Where there's a will, there are five hundred relatives."


"It was recently discovered that research causes cancer in rats."


"A woman is an occasional pleasure but a cigar is always a smoke."


"Either he's dead or my watch has stopped."


"I have had a perfectly wonderful evening,but this wasn't it."


"I must confess, I was born at a very early age."


"I really didn't say everything I said."


" If it's sent by ship then it's a cargo, if it's sent by road then it's a shipment."


"It's deja-vu all over again."


"If you ask me a question I don't know, I'm not going to answer."


"It ain't the heat; it's the humility."


"It is hard to understand how a cemetery raised its burial cost and blamed it on the cost of living."


"The only reason I need these gloves is 'cause of my hands."


"You can't think and hit at the same time."


"If the world were perfect, it wouldn't be."


"If I didn't wake up, I'd still be sleeping."


"All women are good - good for nothing, or good for something. "


"The other teams could make trouble for us if they win."


"I knew I was going to take the wrong train, so I left early."


"Ham radio operators do it with greater frequency."


"LAWYERS - CRIMINALS I FORGET THE DIFFERENCE"


"Seen it all, done it all, can't remember most of it."


"Well, at least the war on the environment is going well."


"Jesus loves me, this I know - that is why I don't drive slow!"


"IF THE SCREAMS FROM MY TRUNK BOTHER YOU TURN UP YOUR RADIO"


"Nothing is foolproof to a sufficiently talented fool."


"A liberated woman is one who has sex before marriage and a job after. "


"Love Thy neighbors but don't get caught"


"I'M NOT TAILGATING I'M KISSING ASS"


"Ice cream is not sexy. It's not wiggly and jiggly."


"My feminine side is lesbian."


"Sometimes the road less traveled is less traveled for a reason"


"Without geometry, life is pointless."


"You Look Like I Need Another Drink"


"Work, yeah I tried that once. Worst 7 minutes of my life."


" If Barbie is so popular, why do you have to buy her friends?"



"For Sale: Parachute. Only used once, never opened, small stain."



" Never argue with a fool. People might not know the difference."


"Despite the cost of living, have you noticed how it remains so popular?"

Funny Birthday Quotes

The old believe everything; the middle aged suspect everything: the young know everything.
~Oscar Wilde

Inflation is when you pay fifteen dollars for the ten-dollar haircut you used to get for five dollars when you had hair.
~Sam Ewing

We know we're getting old when the only thing we want for our birthday is not to be reminded of it
~Author Unknown

The secret to staying young is to live honestly, eat slowly, and lie about your age.
~Lucille Ball

Old age is not so bad when you consider the alternatives.
~Maurice Chevalie


No wonder I'm unhappy - My twin forgot my birthday.
~Jerry Dennis

No wise man ever wished to be younger.
~Jonathan Swift

Youth is a wonderful thing. What a crime to waste it on children.
~George Bernard Shaw

Middle age is the time when a man is always thinking that in a week or two he will feel as good as ever.
~Don Marquis


There is still no cure for the common birthday. ~John Glenn
And it comes every year like clockwork.


Just remember, once you're over the hill you begin to pick up speed.
~Charles Schulz
SO its no point worrying and you should take as much as you can while you have it.

One starts to get young at the age of sixty and then it is too late.
~ Pablo Picasso

You're not 40, you're eighteen with 22 years experience.
~Author Unknown

A diplomat is a man who always remembers a woman's birthday but never remembers her age.
~Robert Frost

Inside every older person is a younger person wondering what happened.
~Jennifer Yane

Time and Tide wait for no man, but time always stands still for a woman of thirty.
~ Robert Frost

Life is too short to be small.
~Benjamin Disraeli

I never forget my wife's birthday. It's usually the day after she reminds me about it.
~Unknown

Middle age is when your age starts to show around your middle.
~Bob Hope


At age 50, everyone has the face he deserves.
~ George Orwell

The older the fiddler, the sweeter the tune.
~Pope Paul VI


May you live to be 100 and may the last voice you hear be mine.
~Frank Sinatra

Men are like wine. Some turn to vinegar, but the best improve with age.
~ C.E.M. Joad

To me, old age is always 15 years older than I am.
~Bernard Baruch


The more things change, the more they remain the same.
~Alphonse Karr

Birthdays are good for you. Statistics show that the people who have the most live the longest.
~Larry Lorenzoni

Behaviour Quotes and Sayings

Some funny quotes on human behaviour:

Our natures are a lot like oil, mix us with anything else, and we strive to swim on top.
~Francis Beaumont


With a gentleman I am always a gentleman and a half, and with a fraud I try to be a fraud and a half.
~Otto Von Bismarck

To know what people really think, pay regard to what they do, rather than what they say.
~ Rene Descartes


Be careful what you pretend to be because you are what you pretend to be.
~Kurt Vonnegut, Jr.

Many things--such as loving, going to sleep, or behaving unaffectedly--are done worst when we try hardest to do them.
~ C.S. Lewis


Part of the reason that men seem so much less loving than women is that men's behavior is measured with a feminine ruler.
~ Francesca M. Cancian

To refuse awards is another way of accepting them with more noise than is normal.
~Peter Ustinov


Act the way you'd like to be and soon you'll be the way you act.
~George W. Crane

What you do not want others to do to you, do not do to others.
~Confucius

No one can make you feel inferior without your consent.
~Eleanor Roosevelt

It's all right to have butterflies in your stomach. Just get them to fly in formation.
~Dr. Rob Gilbert

Eccentric behavior is not routinely noticed around a movie set.
~Gene Tierney

Perfect behaviour is born of complete indifference.
~Cesare Pavese


We are all serving a life sentence, and good behavior is our only hope for a pardon.
~Doug Horton

I've been trying to avoid goal-oriented behavior.
~Laurie Anderson

Spry is not a look, spry is behavior.
~Robert Culp

The wolf changes his coat, but not his disposition.
~Proverb

With animal behavior, they're all fine until you introduce some rogue element into the cage, and then they go crazy.
~Jeanette Winterson

Beauty Quotes and Sayings

Some Beauty Quotes and Sayings

Beauty is the power by which a woman charms a lover and terrifies a husband.
~Ambrose Bierce

Personal beauty is a better introduction than any letter;
~Diogenes Laertius

Everything beautiful has its moment and then passes away.
~Luis Cernuda

Beauty when most unclothed is clothed best.
~Sicelides


When you have only two pennies left in the world, buy a loaf of bread with one, and a lily with the other.
~Chinese proverb

Beauty is the bait which with delight allures man to enlarge his kind.
~Edmund Spenser.. slightly funny beauty quote :)


What is a weed? A plant whose virtues have not yet been discovered.
~Ralph Waldo Emerson


Champagne is the only wine a woman can drink and still remain beautiful.
~Mme. de Pompadour

Beauty is power; a smile is its sword.
~Charles Readde

Sex appeal is fifty percent what you've got and fifty percent what people think you've got.
~Sophia Loren

Beauty is only skin deep, but it's a valuable asset if you're poor or haven't any sense.
~Kin Hubbard

Beauty in the flesh will continue to rule the world.
~Florenz Ziegfeld

A woman who cannot be ugly is not beautiful.
~Karl Kraus

Plainness has its peculiar temptations quite as much as beauty.
~George Eliot

Beauty comes in all sizes, not just size 5.
~Roseanne

The absence of flaw in beauty is itself a flaw.
~Havelock Ellis


I'm tired of all this nonsense about beauty being only skin-deep. That's deep enough. What do you want, an adorable pancreas?
~Jean Kerr

A bachelor never quite gets over the idea that he is a thing of beauty and a boy forever.
~Helen Rowland

Truth is beautiful within and without, forevermore.
~Ralph Waldo Emerson


Beauty without grace is the hook without the bait.
~Ralph Waldo Emerson

The average man is more interested in a woman who is interested in him than he is in a woman, any woman, with beautiful legs.
~Marlene Dietrich

Beauty is eternity gazing at itself in a mirror.
~Kahlil Gibran

Add your own beauty quotes

Basketball Quotes and Sayings

Left hand, right hand, it doesn't matter. I'm amphibious.
~ Charles Shackleford

The invention of basketball was not an accident. It was developed to meet a need. Those boys simply would not play "Drop the Handkerchief.
~ James Naismith

A tough day at the office is even tougher when your OFFICE contains spectator seating.
~ Nik Posa


The only important shot you take is the next one. Because no matter how hard you try, that is the only one you can still have an effect on!
~ Jason Bumblis

On a player passing up an open shot: "You miss 100% of the shots that you don't take" ~Joe Ledbetter,Favorite Basketball Quotes #3

You don't play against opponents, you play against the game of basketball.
~Bobby Knight

Basketball is like photography, if you don't focus, all you have is the negative.
~ Dan Frisby

Basketball is the MTV of sports.
~Sara Levinson

I liked the choreography, but I didn't care for the costumes.
~Tommy Tune

I haven't been able to slam-dunk the basketball for the past five years. Or, for the thirty-eight years before that, either.
~Dave Barry

The rule was "No autopsy, no foul.
~Stewart Granger

Any American boy can be a basketball star if he grows up, up, up.
~Bill Vaughn

This is the second most exciting indoor sport, and the other one shouldn't have spectators.
~Dick Vertleib

If you are going to take it to the bank, then you better cash it in.
~ Shannon Fish

Our centers spread the floor, shoot the three and block shots. We can play pick and pop.
~ Steve Nash

My best move is probably my pull up jump shot.
~ Steve Nash


These Liberty girls, they don't have sex, but you can always play in the mud!!
~John Swickrath


Just remember, their fans think their players are supermen. Well we're the kryptonite, and we're gonna win.
~Jim Larranaga

Not only is there more to life than basketball, there's a lot more to basketball than basketball.
~Phil Jackson


If I weren't earning $3 million a year to dunk a basketball, most people on the street would run in the other direction if they saw me coming.
~Charles Barkley

I'm the basketball version of a gravedigger.
~ Dennis Rodman

My biggest win was getting the meal money bumped from $5 to $7.
~Bob Cousy

Our offense is like the pythagorean theorem: There is no answer!
~ Shaquille O'Neal

People are threatened by me. Rich white, rich blacks, it doesn't matter.
~Dennis Rodman

People say that, but I think the NBA was bigger than Larry Bird and Magic Johnson.
~ Oscar Robertson

People still cheat on their wives, that hasn't fallen out of fashion. We all speak of it badly, but it has not fallen out of fashion.
~ Kareem Abdul-Jabbar

We have a great bunch of outside shooters. Unfortunately, all our games are played indoors.
~ Weldon Drew

Baseball Quotes and Sayings

Some of the funniest baseball quotes.

I've come to the conclusion that the two most important things in life are good friends and a good bullpen. ~Bob Lemon, 1981

Baseball players are smarter than football players. How often do you see a baseball team penalized for too many men on the field? ~Jim Bouton, 1988



Baseball is a fun game. It beats working for a living. ~Phil Linz


A baseball game is simply a nervous breakdown divided into nine innings. ~Earl Wilson


A hot dog at the ballgame beats roast beef at the Ritz. ~Humphrey Bogart

Baseball is the only field of endeavor where a man can succeed three times out of ten and be considered a good performer. ~Ted Williams


I'm convinced that every boy, in his heart, would rather steal second base than an automobile. ~Tom Clark

If a woman has to choose between catching a fly ball and saving an infant's life, she will choose to save the infant's life without even considering if there are men on base. ~Dave Barry


People ask me what I do in winter when there's no baseball. I'll tell you what I do. I stare out the window and wait for spring. ~Rogers Hornsby



Baseball was made for kids, and grown-ups only screw it up. ~Bob Lemon

When they start the game, they don't yell, "Work ball." They say, "Play ball." ~Willie Stargell, 1981


Baseball is the only major sport that appears backwards in a mirror. ~George Carlin, Brain Droppings, 1997

I don't want to play golf. When I hit a ball, I want someone else to go chase it. ~Rogers Hornsby



This is a game to be savored, not gulped. There's time to discuss everything between pitches or between innings. ~Bill Veeck
A baseball park is the one place where a man's wife doesn't mind his getting excited over somebody else's curves. ~Brendan Francis

It ain't like football. You can't make up no trick plays. ~Yogi Berra

Awards mean a lot, but they don't say it all. The people in baseball mean more to me than statistics.
~ Ernie Banks

Baseball, it is said, is only a game. True. And the Grand Canyon is only a hole in Arizona. ~George F. Will, Men at Work: The Craft of Baseball, 1990


I became a good pitcher when I stopped trying to make them miss the ball and started trying to make them hit it. ~Sandy Koufax


Hitting is timing. Pitching is upsetting timing. ~Warren Spahn
Why does everybody stand up and sing "Take Me Out to the Ballgame" when they're already there?
~Larry Anderson

Baseball has the great advantage over cricket of being sooner ended.
~ George Bernard


Baseball is what we were, football is what we have become.
~ Mary McGrory


Baseball would be a better game if more third basemen got hit in the mouth by line drivers.
~ Dan Jenkins


A baseball game is twice as much fun if you're seeing it on the company's time. ~William C. Feather


Don't forget to swing hard, in case you hit the ball.
~Woodie Held

Action Quotes

Some Funny Action Quotes.
Between saying and doing many a pair of shoes is worn out.
~Italian Proverb



There are basically two types of people. People who accomplish things, and people who claim to have accomplished things. The first group is less crowded.
~Mark Twain


The difference between what we do and what we are capable of doing would suffice to solve most of the world's problems.
~Mohandas K. Gandhi


After all is said and done, a lot more will have been said than done.
~Author Unknown


Good thoughts are no better than good dreams, unless they be executed.
~Ralph Waldo Emerson

An idea not coupled with action will never get any bigger than the brain cell it occupied.
~Arnold Glasow


I'm a great believer in luck and I find the harder I work, the more I have of it.
~Thomas Jefferson


A barking dog is often more useful than a sleeping lion.
~Washington Irving


Take it easy -- but take it.
~Woody Guthrie


Action is the last resource of those who know not how to dream.
~Oscar Wilde


What you do speaks so loudly that I cannot hear what you say.
~Ralph Waldo Emerson


If ifs were gifts, every day would be Christmas.
~Charles Barkley


"When it comes to getting things done, we need fewer architects and more bricklayers."
~ Colleen C. Barrett


If your work speaks for itself, don't interrupt.
~Henry J. Kaiser


We are all inclined to judge ourselves by our ideals; others, by their acts.
~Harold Nicolson



He that waits upon fortune is never sure of a dinner.
~Benjamin Franklin


Action will remove the doubts that theory cannot solve.
~Tehyi Hsieh


There are two kinds of failures: those who thought and never did, and those who did and never thought.
~ Laurence J. Peter


Action speaks louder than words but not nearly as often. ~ Mark Twain


"The shortest answer is doing."
~Lord Herbert


Words should be used as tools of communication and not as a substitute for action. ~Unknown


To avoid criticism, do nothing, say nothing, be nothing.
~Elbert Hubbard


I prayed for twenty years but received no answer until I prayed with my legs.
~Frederick Douglass

Anger Quotes

There are many anger quotes that can be very funny, here are some.

If a small thing has the power to make you angry, does that not indicate something about your size? ~Sydney J. Harris

Get mad, then get over it. ~Colin Powell


Resentment is like taking poison and waiting for the other person to die. ~Malachy McCourt

Next time you're mad, try dancing out your anger. ~Sweetpea Tyler

Malice drinks one-half of its own poison. ~Seneca


When angry, count four; when very angry, swear. ~Mark Twain

The worst-tempered people I've ever met were people who knew they were wrong. ~Wilson Mizner

If you would cure anger, do not feed it. Say to yourself: 'I used to be angry every day; then every other day; now only every third or fourth day.' When you reach thirty days offer a sacrifice of thanksgiving to the gods.
~Epictetus


Anger is never without a reason, but seldom with a good one.
~Albert Einstein

Speak when you are angry and you will make the best speech you will ever regret.
~Ambrose Bierce


I will permit no man to narrow and degrade my soul by making me hate him.
~Booker T. Washington



You cannot shake hands with a clenched fist.
~Golda Meir

Anger: an acid that can do more harm to the vessel in which it is stored than to anything on which it is poured.
~Lucius Annaeus Seneca

Expressing anger is a form of public littering.
~Willard Gaylin


Keep cool; anger is not an argument.
~Daniel Webster

Anger should never be an overnight guest.
~Neal A. Maxwell

He is a fool who cannot be angry;
~Seneca


Flying off the handle sometimes causes hammers and humans to lose their heads, as well as their effectiveness.
~William Arthur Ward


People who fly into a rage always make a bad
landing.
~ Will Rogers.

Advice Quotes

These are some of my favorite advice quotes

Please give me some good advice in your next letter. I promise not to follow it.
~Edna St. Vincent Millay


It is more easy to be wise for others than for ourselves. ~FranÁois Duc de La Rochefoucauld



I never had a man come to me for advice yet, but what I soon discovered that he thought more of his own opinion than he did of mine. ~Josh Billings




Never advise anyone to go to war or to marry.
~Unknown


Good advice is something a man gives when he is too old to set a bad example.
~Francois de La Rochefoucauld


When a man wants your advice he generally wants your praise.
~Lord Chesterfield


Sometimes I give myself admirable advice, but I am incapable of taking it. ~Mary Wortley Montagu



Give advice to your children while they're young enough to believe you know what you're talking about
~Unknown


I owe my success to having listened respectfully to the very best advice, and then going away and doing the exact opposite.
~ G. K. Chesterton

Advice is what we ask for when we already know the answer but wish we didn't.
~Erica Jong


Good advice is always certain to be ignored, but that's no reason not to give it
~Agatha Christie

I always pass on good advice. It's the only thing to do with it. It is never any use to oneself. ~Oscar Wilde



Some people like my advice so much that they frame it upon the wall instead of using it. ~Gordon R. Dickson

The best advice is this: Don't take advice and don't give advice. ~Author Unknown


Old men are fond of giving good advice, to console themselves for being no longer in a position to give bad examples. ~FranÁois La Rochefoucauld


When we ask advice we are usually looking for an accomplice. ~Charles Varlet de La Grange


The best way to succeed in life is to act on the advice we give to others. ~Author Unknown



We hate to have some people give us advice because we know how badly they need it themselves. ~Author Unknown



Advice is like castor oil, easy enough to give but dreadful uneasy to take.~
Josh Billings

Funny Alcohol Quotes

Here are some funny quotes on alcohol, not the chemistry lab kind but the drinking kind, but of course you only expected that :)






I think a man ought to get drunk at least twice a year just on principle, so he won't let himself get snotty about it. ~Raymond Chandler




One reason I don't drink is that I want to know when I am having a good time. ~Lady Astor






When the wine is in, the wit is out. ~Proverb




No animal ever invented anything so bad as drunkeness - or so good as drink. ~Lord Chesterton

It takes only one drink to get me drunk. The trouble is, I can't remember if it's the thirteenth or the fourteenth.
~George Burns

I never turned to drink. It seemed to turn to me.
~Brendan Behan


Even though a number of people have tried, no one has yet found a way to drink for a living. ~Jean Kerr


We borrowed golf from Scotland as we borrowed whiskey. Not because it is Scottish, but because it is good. ~Horace Hutchinson





A man ought not never to get drunk above the neck. ~Author Unknown



If you wish to keep your affairs secret, drink no wine. ~Author Unknown


They speak of my drinking, but never think of my thirst. ~Scottish Proverb


Bacchus has drowned more men than Neptune. ~Giuseppe Garibaldi


A woman drove me to drink and I never even had the courtesy to thank her. ~W.C. Fields


I feel sorry for people who don't drink. When they wake up in the morning, that's as good as they're going to feel all day. ~Frank Sinatra


Without question, the greatest invention in the history of mankind is beer. Oh, I grant you that the wheel was also a fine invention, but the wheel does not go nearly as well with pizza. ~Dave Barry


Drinking makes such fools of people, and people are such fools to begin with, that it's compounding a felony. ~Robert Benchley



I envy people who drink - at least they know what to blame everything on. ~Oscar Levant


Beer is the cause and solution to all of life's problems. ~Homer Simpson


I'm going to be around until the Atomic Energy Commission finds a safe place to bury my liver. ~Phil Harris

I drink only to make my friends seem interesting. ~Don Marquis


Be wary of strong drink. It can make you shoot at tax collectors... and miss. ~Robert Heinlein


I am not a heavy drinker. I can sometimes go for hours without touching a drop.
~Noel Coward

I only take a drink on two occasions - when I'm thirsty and when I'm not.
~Brendan Behan



Drink the first. Sip the second slowly. Skip the third.
~Knute Rockne


Candy is dandy But liquor is quicker.
~Ogden Nash


Wine gives courage and makes men more apt for passion.
~Unknown


Instead of warning pregnant women not to drink, I think female alcoholics should be told not to fu*k
~George Carlin


Cigarettes and coffee: an alcoholic's best friend.
~Gerard Way

Alcohol may be man's worst enemy, but the bible says love your enemy.
~Frank Sinatra



Life's a waste of time, time's a waste of life so let's all get wasted and have the time of our life.
~Author Unknown


Health - what my friends are always drinking to before they fall down.
~Phyllis Diller



Not one man in a beer commercial has a beer belly.
~Rita Rudner

I have taken more out of alcohol than alcohol has taken out of me.
~Winston Churchill



When I read about the evils of drinking, I gave up reading.
~Henny Youngman



I have taken more out of alcohol than alcohol has taken out of me.
~Winston Churchill




How come if alcohol kills millions of brain cells, it never killed the ones that made me want to drink?
~Author Unknown


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